The Death of Edward
by bellacullen123
Summary: We've always read about Bellla's suffering when Edward left, but what about Edward? His suffering is prominent, too. This fanfic is about Edward's hard times during New Moon. I can't update very often, though. I don't always have access to the computer. :
1. Chapter 1

The Death of Edward

The Death of Edward

I ran through the forest, sprinting. My heart felt like a heavy black rock—just like me. I couldn't forget the look of Bella's face as I shoved her away. She looked so dejected, so miserable. I cried in agony, crying tearless sobs as I reached my home. How could I make her suffer so much? And that crazy girl actually believed that I didn't want her. How could she? After all the times I've told her I loved her? After all the hugs and kisses I've given her? How could she possibly believe that? _I have to go_, I thought miserably. Before I could change my mind and run back to Bella's home, I flung open my car door, almost breaking it, and flew in.

I stuffed my keys into the engine, twisting it jerkily. Then I sped away.

_You need her,_ I argued with myself. _No!_ I yelled back at myself. _Don't you see the damage you've already done? Can't you see how much pain you've caused her? What if you got closer to her? How could you do that? _I couldn't get her suffering figure out of my mind. Her face was white, it was almost as pallid as my own. I could smell her tears even after I left. I hated myself.

_It's your own fault for getting attached to her,_ I accused myself. _You have no one else to blame. And now you've gone and hurt her, too. You don't deserve to live. You should go die. _

I kept going, speeding away from Bella, and away from her. _She can live with Mike Newton, or someone like him,_ I argued with myself. _At least she won't be in love with a mythical creature that's NOT SUPPESED TO EXIST. _

My chest was going to burst. I was already falling apart, two minutes after I left her. How was I going to survive? I couldn't. _The next chance I get, I'm going to die. _I just hoped that wouldn't hurt Bella, poor, sweet, loving, adorable, Bella. _I hate myself, _I thought. I **really **didn't deserve to live.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, people

**Hello, people! Thanks for reading my story. **

**Don't forget to review if you can (you know how much I'd like it if you've written one)**

_**Torture, plain torture**_

I sped along the highway, heading toward Denali. I was silent the entire way, and I was going a tad bit faster than usual—only 150 mph. I tried to use driving to occupy my mind, but it didn't work—driving was second nature to me, and it didn't occupy much of my concentration. My mind always traveled back to Bella, her poor withering form as she bent over in the forest, tears streaming down her face. That was my last memory of her: her suffering.

_How do you GET yourself into these situations?_ I screamed at myself. _You can never do anything right. You should have left a LONG time ago. You shouldn't have let it get this far. You left too late…_

I always knew I was going to have to leave Bella someday. Being with vampires just wasn't good for her. Seriously. How can being with a venomous, deadly creature that has to take all of its energy not to kill her be good?

_You're just as bad as the devil,_ I thought, beating myself up. _You just have to go into someone's life and COMPLETELY ruin it. Why couldn't you have just stayed away? Then Bella wouldn't have to deal with this pain. _

Eventually, I had to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled over to the side of the highway, ignoring all of the honking drivers as I passed all five lanes in one turn. I shut off my engine. Then I simply sat there, dead. I remembered Bella's happy voice and how she was always pleased when she was with me. A flood of memories of when I was with Bella flooded me. It just made my sadness skyrocket.

_Go back,_ I argued with myself. _Go back and make her feel better. _

_No! _My other half screamed. _You've caused WAY more than enough damage. Isn't completely destroying her life, tearing it into shreds and stomping on the pieces, wasn't that enough harm? What more do you want to do to her? _

_I want to love her,_ my weaker side said sadly and softly. I was pathetic. _I want to be with her forever and forever. I want to change her now. I want to make her my wife. I want to hold her hand every day and look into her eyes and say, "I love you, Bella." _

I stayed silent in the car, and watched the sun set off to the left. My heart felt heavy. It was completely silent. Suddenly, the phone rang, and I looked at the caller ID. Of course. Leave it to Alice to make me feel worse when I already feel horrid. I opened my phone.

"What do you want, Alice," I asked wearily.

Instead of her usual perky, annoying, super-hyper excitement, Alice spoke carefully and softly. "Edward, why aren't you here yet? We're starting to get worried."

I sighed. Would she never understand that Bella's separation from me would completely crush me? That it would take me and pound me into little tiny pieces until I was no more that a pile of crumbs of marble? Couldn't she comprehend that without my sweet, loving, compassionate Bella, I was NOTHING? "I'll be there. Just wait," I said softly into the phone.

"Okay," she whispered. Then, she hung up. I did, too, and turned my keys in the engine again. I sped off, and I noticed that the traffic had lessened considerably. I didn't drive as fast this time. Before, I was angry and frustrated, infuriated, if fact. Now, I was just weary and lifeless. My face was set in a grim and dead frown. It was going to be the face I wore for the rest of my existence. I HATED life. _Kill me now, please,_ I begged to the heavens. _Please, strike me down so that I don't have to suffer without Bella. _

But of course, the heavens didn't answer my prayer. _Of course,_ I figured. _Who would answer the prayer of the devil? I DESERVED to suffer, but being without Bella was way past hell. _

I inched down the highway at an 80 mph as my speed. _Kill me now,_ I pleaded. But no one listened.

**I hope you liked my story! Man, I feel depressed just rereading this. **

**As I mentioned, you don't have to review if you REALLY don't want to, but I would greatly appreciate it. Anyway, I'll keep posting!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again. This is my third chapter. They're getting longer for some reason. I can't really figure out why. Oh well. Enjoy!**

Chapter 3-- More Problems

As I reached the house in Denali, the thoughts of my family inside flooded my mind. I didn't bother to block them; I just ignored them.

I pulled into the driveway of the house, and I shut off the engine. Then, I sat in the seat, not thinking about anything other than Bella. I remembered how Bella muttered my name every night. I remembered how her face always glowed and turned crimson when I told her how much I loved her. I remembered the first time I had kissed her, and she had gone suddenly crazy. "You'll be the death of me, Bella Cullen," I had told her. I was right. She was killing me like no other creature could. Then, I remembered how happy she was with me. I recalled her "floral scent," and I almost died from the memory. Even now, when I couldn't actually smell her, her scent affected me so deeply. Her flowery scent.

_She's a flower,_ I thought miserably. _She's a lovely, gorgeous, elegant, delicate, little flower, and I'm the stupid thorny weed that has to come and take her life away._ And that was precisely what I had done. I had sucked away her life, and left a dead, rotting, yet beautiful body of stem, leaves, and petals. Then, the memory of James bent over her life-less figure flooded through me like the greatest tsunami. The reminder of how pained Bella had been while the flame and fire was surging through her veins was forever embedded into my mind. I would never forget how she screamed for someone to put out the fire. The memory fade me feel cold. I shuddered, which was abnormal for me.

I knew my family was aware that I arrived, and I knew that they were still waiting, so I took my keys out of the engine and opened the door slowly. Then at a dead-slow pace, I stepped toward the front door. I placed my hand on the cold metal of the doorknob. Then, I took a deep breath and walked in.

I had expected everyone to start screaming at once, and for my head to be filled with their screaming thoughts. However, everything was silent. Nobody said anything, and nobody thought anything. No one was even breathing, for that matter. When I walked in, alice was facing away from me at the table. She didn't turn around to face me. Finally, Carlisle lifted his head and looked into my dead, golden eyes.

_Edward,_ he thought to me, making sure I was listening and not just blocking his thoughts. _We put all of your bags upstairs. They are in your room. However, before you retreat upstairs, we must speak. I know you do not want to discuss anything at this moment, but it is crucial and necessary. _

I gave Carlisle a slight nod to let him know I had heard him. Then, I walked other to the table. I pulled out the chair in between Alice and Esme. The only sound was the wooden legs of my chair scraping against the wooden floor of the living room. Still no one was bothering to breathe. I sat down with my head facing the floor, waiting for Carlisle to begin.

He cleared his throat. "We may have an issue. Bella knows that we are vampires, and we are not in Forks anymore to make sure she does not tell. Though _we_ know she will, never deceive us, others don't. Like the Volturi."

I drew my breath in sharply, but Carlisle continued without stopping.

"This may give the Volturi an incentive to come and visit us and Bella. Aro is sure to find out sooner or later, probably sooner. I wouldn't be surprised if he already knows right now."

Bella. I had left her without any protection from the Volturi, without anyone to save her if she came to harm. I remembered the weekend she went to La Push, the weekend that her life changed drastically. In two days, Bella had managed to get herself caught between the werewolves and the vampires, and then put herself completely in harm's way by finding out our secret. Not to mention she also scraped her palms when she fell down.

She had done so much harm when she was away from me for two days. How would she live for the rest of her life? Or what was left of it, anyway. There wasn't much left to destroy. I had already taken most of it and torn it into tiny little pieces.

"So," Carlisle continued. "I was thinking maybe I should visit Bella every now and then to make sure she does not get into any trouble. I will not let her see me, but I can check on her. It's not the best, but it's better than just leaving her there to perish at the hands of the Volturi. Are there any objections to this?"

I just shook my head. Carlisle let us go upstairs.

When I finally got free of the meeting, I sprinted up to my room. There was a black leather couch, and it was just like the one in my room back in Forks. I flung myself onto the sofa and sobbed. No tears came streaming out of my eyes, but I still moaned over my loss: my missing half. Bella wasn't just half of me, but she was more like 90 of me.

I replayed every moment I had ever spent with Bella. I remembered the first day I had met her. I remembered the first night I had stayed in her room and she had said my name. I tried to call back every word that had ever left her lips, every time she had smacked me and than nursed her hand because it has hurt her. I remembered everything.

My head was filled with Bella. I shut my eyes, knowing I wouldn't get the rest I wanted. Still, I wanted to be alone, and I wanted silence. My family respected my wishes: no one came into my room, and I stayed away from everybody else.

**As always, you do not have to review, but please do if you can. I hope you like this chapter. I'll try to keep posting!**


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